Summer fun food and drink 2009 - Chapter 2 coffee time · Wednesday June 17, 2009 by colin newell
If my colleagues and I were cats…
This is what our daily coffee break would look like.
Draw your own conclusions.
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Spring into reflection - pet ownership days gone by · Friday May 15, 2009 by colin newell
Has it been 30 years since I had pets? You know. Come to think of it. Yes.
When I was a kid, I had 3 pets; 2 dogs and a cat.
A black lab. A West highland white terrier. And a street cat.
And like most pets, they were telepathic. But not very good at hiding their superior mental powers.
For instance.
The two dogs would often look at each other. One would raise an eye brow. One would nod. The other would look at its paw. The other, one more nod. And they would both leave the house together… and appear back in time for kibbles.
The cat was in a bit of a pickle, canine relationship wise. It got along famously with the terrier… but not the lab.
The terrier would hang out with the cat, occasionally gesturing and nodding.
Until the lab would show up.
And then the terrier would give the cat an apologetic look – and according to telepathic intercepts that went something like this…
Terrier: Uhm. Dude. Sorry. The lab. Is. One of my kind. And. I need. To chase. You.
Cat: Same as last time?
Terrier: Yea. I. Chase you. I will hold back. You run faster. If you run into a corner. And I catch you. You take a swipe at my nose. And hiss. Make it look good. You go left. I go right. Got it?
Cat. Left. Then right. Hiss. Yea. I think so.
The lab was not so good at reading the cats mind.
More than once it missed the escape cues and ended up with a bloody nose.
I can still hear the cat thinking… “Lab. I am going to swing at you NOW. You pull back. You might get grazed. No blood. Good luck.”
The lab did not like cats much… and did not like the mental interaction. And generally did not listen to what the cat was thinking… so blood generally.
I made a promise as I buried my last pet: Never again.
And I kept that promise. But sometimes, I miss the interaction between domesticated animals.
In the year 2009, I have human interaction and technology – neither of which is 1/2 as interesting as pets. So. If you have a pet that is alive and well. Give it a gentle hug. And remember. If you cannot read its mind, remember this.
It’s reading yours.
Spring into bad habits - smoking quota in China · Monday May 11, 2009 by colin newell
Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette Puff, puff, puff until you smoke yourself to death. Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate That you hate to make him wait, But you just gotta have another cigarette.
Local government officials in China have been ordered to smoke nearly a quarter of a million packs of cigarettes in a move to boost the local economy during the global financial crisis.
Oh. My. God. I cannot take this in.
Honestly folks. The material writes itself. I just deliver it.
The edict, issued by officials in Hubei province in central China, threatens to fine officials who “fail to meet their targets” or are caught smoking rival brands manufactured in adjoining provinces.
Local schools have been issued a smoking quota for teachers, while one village was ordered to purchase 400 cartons of cigarettes a year for its officials, according to the local government’s website.
China has 350 million smokers. A million of whom die each year from smoking-related illnesses. Despite anti-smoking campaigns, cigarette taxes form a major component of China’s regional tax base.
In the late fifties, cigarette companies hired cargo planes to drop crates of cigarettes over Shanghai (this tidbit from a Slavonic prof at the University of Victoria) – His father was a doctor at the local hospital – and within days the wards were full to bursting with patients – all suffering from nicotine toxicity. The goal of the drops were to establish a beach head in a community… with fresh addicts.
Spring into lethargy - with an anti-energy slow cow beverage · Wednesday May 6, 2009 by colin newell
Quebec resident, Lino Fleury is hoping to chill out the Planet, one can at a time.
He has created what is dubbed the anti-energy drink.
On appearances, Slow Cow is packaged like the popular Red Bull energy drink, but it has the opposite effect.
Lino claims – “It’s a balm that soothes people and takes the edge off stress.”
I thought that was what beer was for?
Fleury and his team spent a year and a half dreaming up Slow Cow. The drink contains a slumber inducing pillow of natural ingredients; camomile, passion flower and valerian.
Personally, I think the World is ready for a line of Lethargy beverages as I call them. I mean, the World is moving way too fast.
Meantime. the makers of Red-Bull, the caffeine infused jet fuel marketed to college age kids, do not see the humor nor the efficacy of such a product and have filed notice through their legal team.
Maybe they need to chill out.
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Spring into knee jerk reactions - 2009 - the swine flu - epilogue · Tuesday May 5, 2009 by colin newell
Like me, you are probably shaking your head so violently now – that your neck hurts… and your nose runs. You are stressed out.
Could it be? No. Can’t be. Not me.
Despite the fact that swine flu has claimed just one victim all week, a mortality rate many times lower than the common flu, governments of the world are acting as if end of times is right around the corner.
The World Health Organization calls a virus that has felled a confirmed 12 people in over a week a “threat to humanity” and talk of martial law, obligatory vaccinations and quarantines runs amok.
Granted, some of the hoopla is being serviced by people inundating hospitals and doctor’s offices who have complaints like the common cold, but who just want to “make sure” they don’t have swine flu… Or want a day off work.
These incidents are immediately treated as “suspected swine flu cases” by the media and the “I told you so’s” spread faster than antacid at a Texas chili cook-off.
And while media headlines and government wonks opine about a potential pandemic and hundreds of thousands, millions of thousands, dozens of billions of fatalities, actual medical reports from real doctors (like you and I) report no cases and no symptoms… generally.
Meantime, the WHO (the health care equivalent of the IOC and as reputable by half!) reports that the virus is spreading far worse than officially recognized.
Reality check again. Today a Coke or Pepsi machine will kill another innocent – and I will continue to shake my head.
